


Infomercial Ushijima

by clxude



Series: infomercial ushijima [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, I'm sorry goshiki, I'm the sole provider of crack for this ship how did this happen, Implied Relationships, M/M, blatant use of late 80's - early 2000's paid programming, paid programming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 20:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7236985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clxude/pseuds/clxude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I need a snuggie, Satori.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Infomercial Ushijima

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse besides this ship needs more crack and chapter 210 destroyed me
> 
> also, I hate watchmojo.com and I watched like 4 of their videos for this so pls enjoy my suffering 
> 
> Beta-ed [Rey](http://kxrasuno.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  **EDIT:** ok so this was originally rated G but then I remembered something so it's teen now?? lmao

“I need a snuggie, Satori.”

 

Satori promptly drops his spoon into his bowl of cereal. “You want a  _ what?” _

 

“A snuggie,” Ushijima says again. “It’s like a blanket, but it has sleeves. I believe it would make the bus ride to finals much comfier.”

 

“I know what it means, Wakatoshi-kun.” He sighs deeply. “Where did you even find out about those? I thought they stopped making them ages ago.”

 

“There was an ad in the manga you let me borrow.”

 

“That’s it!” Satori yells, smacking his hand down on the table. Everyone in the cafeteria, including most of the volleyball team, turns to look at them. “I’m never letting you read  _ Jump!  _ again. There will be no snuggies on our team!” He banged his fist against the table with each word.

 

#  …

 

“USHIJIMA-SENPAI!” Goshiki yells, bursting into the clubroom. He almost runs straight into the lockers, but Reon managed to wrap an arm around his waist to stop him.

 

“Hmm?” Ushijima looks up, tee-shirt up around his shoulders, surprised by the sudden addition to the room. 

 

Satori looks up as well, but it’s admittedly only to look at his boyfriend’s well defined back.

 

“I found… the perfect thing… to help me become the ace at Shiratorizawa,” he gasped out, heavily breathing from his full-throttle sprint into the room.

 

Satori is only slightly concerned. While he may be a tad bit overbearing when it comes to self-assertion as the next ace, he’s completely harmless off the court. But, after the Great Snuggie Disaster of 2016, anything involving Ushijima has left him slightly ill at ease.

 

“What?” 

 

The first-year tugs a scrap of paper out of his pockets and promptly drops to his knees. Satori wrinkles his nose and has flashbacks to the time Goshiki offered to give Semi a blowjob in exchange for his nomination for the ace position. Even worse, the floors were absolutely disgusting. 

 

“If you’re going to try to give me a blowjob again - “ Semi starts, but is quickly interrupted. 

 

On the floor, Goshiki has finished smoothing out the scrap of paper. “This!” he says, pointing at the image on the paper. The entire time huddles around him with equal looks of disdain and confusion on their faces.

 

“What is that?” Taichi finally asks, breaking the silence. 

 

“It’s a  _ Thighmaster _ ,” Yamagata replies. “My mom has one.”

 

“What is it?” Satori inquires nervously, although he’s fairly certain where this is going.

 

“It gives you great thighs! It’s a known fact that all aces have amazing thighs, and although my thighs are pretty high up there amazing wise, they could do better.”

 

“Oh god.”

 

Ushijima drops to his knees across from Goshiki and grabs his shoulders. “I must have one. Where did you find it?”

 

“But, Ushijima-senpai, you already have amazing thighs. They might even be the best in the prefecture!”

 

“But, Goshiki-kun, are they the best in the world?” Ushijima shakes his head sadly. “No, they are not. We all have room to improve.”

 

“Could - could we work out together?”

 

“Of course, Goshiki-kun.”

 

Satori, banging his head against the lockers, wishes he was ill so he could skip practice. 

 

#  …

 

Goshiki spills water all over the bench after practice. 

 

“Sorry!” he rushes to say, before darting out of the room in search of paper towels.

 

Ushijima surveys the scene. 

 

“Now, if you had let me order - “

 

“For the last time, we are not buying  _ ShamWow!”  _ Satori dug his fingers into his scalp. “What is with you and paid programming lately?” 

 

“But Fence says I’ll be saying - “

 

“If you say wow, I’m not going to watch that farming documentary with you tonight.”

 

Ushijima promptly shuts up, and at the same time, Goshiki burst into the gym with an armful of paper towels. 

 

“Sorry,” he says again, blushing heavily. “Now if only we had  _ ShamWow!,  _ this would be so much easier. My dad has a few of them in the garage.”

 

Satori walks straight out of the gym.

 

#  …

 

“Ready?” Semi asks a first-year spiker. 

 

“Um- yeah.” The blonde nods, bites his lip, before tossing the ball to Semi. 

 

Satori jumps at the same time as the spiker, and smacks the ball down with practiced ease. However, his landing is less than perfect when he trips over a stray volleyball. He falls on his back, but manages to  plant his forearms firmly enough that his head doesn’t hurt the ground.

 

He flops onto his back and sticks his feet in the air. “Help, Semi,” he cries sarcastically. “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

 

“You need life alert!” 

 

Satori scrambled to his feet and spun around to face Ushijima. “Who contaminated you and showed you that meme!?”

 

#  …

 

Washjio clears his throat as he stands before the team. “Seijoh hasn’t beat us in many years, but you need to stay on top of your game. Oikawa - “

 

“Oh my god,” Ushijima drops a volleyball. “He has the  _ Oxiclean  _ man’s eyebrows.”

 

“For the love of god - !” 

 

Semi has to hold Satori back.

 

…

 

“Satori?” Ushijima knocks gently on the middle blocker’s door. He frowns slightly when he reads the handwritten sign that says,  _ ‘no one obsessed with infomercials is allowed to enter.’ _

 

“What?” He doesn’t open the door.

 

“I’m sorry about all of the stuff earlier,” Ushijima says. He’s sitting on the floor, leaning back against the door. His legs feel cold because of the floor tiles, even through his sweatpants. “I didn’t realize it bothered you so much. I - I’m not very good at social cues. You know that.”

 

The door swings open before he can say anything else, and he finds himself peering up at Satori, who’s smiling faintly. 

 

“You know, if I replaced my door with _ Magic Mesh,  _ you wouldn’t have to wait for me to put clothes on so I could open the door.”

 

“Oh. So you’re not upset?”

 

“No. it could be worse. You didn’t actually buy any of it, right?”

 

“Um, about that - “

 

“It’s fine,” Satori sighs. “Now come on, there’s a new issue of  _ Jump!  _ and I need someone to discuss theories with.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Requests are welcome at my [tumblr](http://mother-iwa-chan.tumblr.com/) or just hmu?? 
> 
> you can read my other forays into the crack genre [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7067188/)


End file.
